Bug's Blog: The life of a (frazzled) social worker soon-to-be-mom!: Blog

60 days left and counting...

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 15:10:17 GMT

I have 60 days left! I actually took some 31 week pictures, but my computer was being finicky yesterday and refusing to load them! I'll try again later!

Quick update:

Our house FINALLY sold, so me and my husband are now trying to find and buy one of our own. Which is SUPER overwhelming - The cost! Finding the perfect house! Understanding the fees! Making an offer! The cost!

I've cut back on my work hours. I'm now working with adults (something I haven't done in a while, I've only been working with adolescents) and its a really nice change. I adore the clients and my coworkers and its nice to work with people who WANT to be helped (many teenagers do not!). It breaks my heart at moments to think that I'm working with people's parents/grandparents/wives/husbands and to think that mental illness has so debilitated them, but hopefully I can at least be a good listener and pass along some information about dealing with those issues.

My baby shower was this weekend - hooray! I think people had fun and I have 90% of the nursery ready...just a few more things to buy and I'll be ready for Miss Olivia! :)

70 days left...and random thoughts...

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 15:40:07 GMT

So as the title suggests, I only have 70 days left until my due date! I told my husband and he gave me a cartoon-like look...like this: Seriously.

I started my childbirth classes which were super helpful and informative. We have three more which is exciting! Its neat being in a room full of expecting couples, kind of normalizes the experience!

Still working, although its getting difficult. And someone said to me recently..."Wow you don't look pregnant. I'm used to people being all round, not jiggly." It cracked me up. Some people get really offended when people make rude or odd comments to pregnant women. Not me. It seems like pregnancy opens people's social floodgates...when else do you ask women about their breasts/cervix/bowel movements? But all in all, I'm feeling good. I've gained about 10 1/2 pounds, so I actually look pregnant, not chunky (which I really worried about with my tendency to struggle with weight). I walked 2 miles a few nights ago, and I'm feeling spry 80% of the time!

That being said, I'm ok with only 70 days left! I can't wait to be a mommy (which shocks my husband...I'm not the nurturing type!).

On a different note, I watched part of the presidential debate last night and realized three things:

1. McCain is SOO much more articulate than our current president. When he's on fire about something, he does not seem like the doddering grandfather people make him out to be.

2. I really hate debates. I just want to jump in and say "take your turn" or "the 2 minutes is up already!" For the most part, McCain and Obama seemed to do ok.

3. Some of the articles were complaining that there were no real knockout punches between them. GOOD! I got soo disgusted with the CONSTANT bickering between Kerry and Bush in the last election. I respect both candidates this time immensely because although they were doing little jabs here and there (as there always is in a debate), they were not tearing each other apart. They behaved like gentlemen.

And one last thing, I read an email going around about Sarah Palin criticizing her for being a hypocrite because she promoted abstinence education and her 17-year-old is pregnant. GET OVER IT! As someone who works with teenagers, you can push your values on them, but at a certain point, if they are going to sneak out and have sex with their boyfriend, THEY WILL DO IT. Regardless of what the parents believe. And on my pregnancy forums online, there are many many many 17 and 18 year olds getting knocked up these days. So STOP sending snipey emails about Palin's daughter. Criticize her policies, but do not use her personal life in that way. (Can you imagine how crappy the daughter feels...like "oh great, I totally screwed up in the public eye" when she should be excited about being a mom!)

*Ahem* I am stepping off my sopabox now.

Some pics!

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 02:34:28 GMT

I totally realized today that I had not updated my preggy pics in a while! So here you guys go! My most recent is 25 weeks, this Saturday I'll be at 29 weeks and I'll take a new one!

Enjoy!

79 days to go!

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 17:53:20 GMT

So as the heading suggests, I only have 79 days left till my due date! I remember when I hit 150 days left and that seemed like forever! I think one day I'll wake up and it will be 30 days and I'll be in shock!

Things are going good! Olivia's measuring where she should be, I feel her often and we've got the nursery 75% ready! My bipolar's definitely been interesting. I get very depressed and I'm suffering from severe anxiety. However, I just found a counselor to work with and should start going here in the next few weeks. I'm terrified of postpartum depression, so I want to have all my counseling ducks in a row before I have the baby.

I'm still working but my job is very very stressful and as I get bigger, its getting harder to do! I'm gonna start working two days a week, and soon drop to 1 1/2 days a week. I'm torn between my desire to make money and feeling so pooped at the end of the day that I don't want to ever go back!

I just have to be patient and have faith...something that I've been really struggling with. I think as I get closer to the end, and bigger, I'm really going to start struggling emotionally. But with counseling and support from family and friends, hopefully I'll get through this trying time in my life!

Oh and my baby shower's in two weeks, so that should be fun! :)

And the VP is who???

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 16:15:30 GMT

If you had asked me, who do you think Mccain will pick as a running mate, the LAST thing I would have said would be a young female governor! I was totally shocked. Once I thought about it strategically, I'm not so shocked, but boy, I learned yesterday that even jaded people like myself can be surprised by politicians (and not just in a "you had an affair with whom/what/etc??").

It cracked me up after the announcement because my local news came on. And lately I have been bitching about our local news. We live in a super low-crime, low-events (no hurricaines, tornados, earthquakes here) area, so our local news will get one story and hash the absolute crap out of it. So yesterday, Matt Lauer tells me (and millions of others) about McCain's choice. Gives a little bit of info, awesome, concise, done.

Then the local news comes on. Well it turns out Palin graduated from University of Idaho (just like me!). So the local newsguy repeats everything Matt Lauer just said, but to make it "local" talks about her going to U of Idaho. Then he says something like "our station is going to U of I today to see if we can get you more information on Palin." Umm....yeah. She graduated in 1987. I doubt there are many people who remember her after 21 YEARS! But hey, local newspeople have to spin it somehow right?

Does anyone else have news stations with too much "free" time on their hands?

Less than 100 days!

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 04:46:23 GMT

WOW! I am finally in the double digit range till my due date! Tomorrow I am at 26 weeks, which means as of tomorrow, I only have 98 days left till my due date! That's exciting! Olivia has been kicking and moving a ton! We also bought a SUPER cute stroller/car seat set that is pink and gray! I got a great deal!

I've been cutting back on work quite a bit. I love my job, but I work with troubled adolescents and I don't always feel safe around them. Its not that they are unsafe, its just that I feel so vulnerable at moments. Last week, I had nightmares about my job, so I decided I need to take care of my mental health first! In spite of my desire to earn money and pay off debt!

And its been wonderful to have free time! I've been making cards! I made 20 thank you cards for my baby shower this weekend, and then I made 24 invitations for my second baby shower in October! WOW! Its so fun, although making a few cards is much more fun than frantically making 20. I'll take some pics for you all!

Enjoy your three-day weekend everyone!

Registries, morning sickness and funnel cake, oh my!

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 18:35:06 GMT

So I'm going to Spokane for a baby shower in a few weeks (I'm having one up there as a joint thing with my sister-in-law who's due in Oct, and then one down here). I'm frantically trying to get my registry ready, although the word on the street is that people rarely buy you things from your registry....So we'll see! I have the big stuff, but I've been adding little things like a headrest, a car mirror, etc. here and there. Its at least getting me thinking about what I'll need for the baby!

I've finally started buying clothes...I figured that at 20 weeks, I needed to buck up, get excited and realize that I am having a baby! So me and my mom have done several consignment store runs, so I have a dresser full of clothes for under $100!

The house still has not sold, its just a terrible market right now. The latest figures are 5000 empty houses for sale in the Boise valley area. We live in just one of many beautiful, good deal houses. So I'm going to just start organizing the nursery here, and if I have to move later, so be it. I am disappointed because we were going to paint a mural, but that will probably not happen! I might just make a big painting and hang that up!

I'm frantically trying to find Hello Kitty fabric to make a diaper bag. I have two on Ebay that I'm looking at.

Other than that, I've been working about 20 hours a week and trying to keep myself busy! I'm making invitations (with a friend) for my baby shower, so I've been scouring the shops for stamps, paper, etc. Let me tell you, when they said scrapbooking was expensive, I didn't fully believe it! But its true! I remember those wooden stamps being like $5 (maybe) back in the day, but now that card making and scrapbooking are trendy, they are WAY more than that! I'm off to Wal-mart today to see what it can do for me!

As far as morning sickness goes, still sick most mornings. I made it to the fair last night and let me tell you, funnel cake with powdered sugar is to die for! I split it with three other people, who all kept saying "I don't know how one person could eat all this." Hmm....that sounds like a challenge to me! I could definitely eat a whole one! :)

More time flying by...

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 22:48:07 GMT

I really really wish I wasn't blogging because I was out being busy and useful...but the truth is, I'm just too lazy to write. After two years of graduate school, its hard to get motivated to write anything but case notes at work (and even those end up being "interestingly" written).

Olivia (our baby) is doing good! I'm still sick every morning, but pregnancy is nice! I definitely won't be one of those moms that LOVED being pregnant, but its been an interesting experience that I am blessed to have.

We watched the Olympic Opening Ceremonies last night. Always interesting...although the ENDLESS commentary got a little old. It was neat to see all of the people marching, although the stabbing of the volleyball coach's family and some of the sad facts about the Middle Eastern countries kind of dampened my "go world!" feeling. I think it was Afghanistan? that had one woman athlete (progress!) but she has disappeared from the country after recieving death threats. Then hearing about the stabbing, I'm not feeling as patriotic and excited as when watching the ones in Greece four years ago. It was a reminder that an elaborate ceremony cannot make up or heal the violence and evil in the world.

Anybody else a little unenthusiastic about the Olympics this year?

Ugh...I just saw a commerical that says 4 out of 10 high schoolers do not graduate. I am not surprised, but it breaks my heart....

Time is flying...

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:58:26 GMT

I'm in total shock about how quickly summer is passing by. My last posting was July 6, meaning I've known about my little girl for three weeks now! WOW! (and yes, I have several pink outfits now).

Things have been pretty consistent. I'm working a couple days a week and loving my job. I'm getting big/hot/uncomfortable, and yet I worked 34 hours from Friday to Tuesday, and still left each day with a bounce in my step. I am so proud to be a social worker and I really enjoy my job/coworkers/clients. In a few months, I may feel different as I get huge, but for now, I'm so blessed!

Today is my 4-year anniversary which is also amazing. I can't believe how lucky I've been to be married to such a wonderful person for 4 years. And this year is especially wonderful because we both have wonderful jobs, and our little girl is less than 20 weeks away!

The one thorn in my side (though its a small one) is that our house is on the market. Its been about 2 months and I DESPISE running around every morning cleaning for realtors who are here for 5 or 10 minutes. One woman today called me just as I had gone down for a nap (hey, I am pregnant!) and said "can we come by in a half hour" and at the end of the call said "so i'll see you in 45 minutes." She didn't show up for an hour and 15 minutes. Then was only here for a few minutes.

I'm so tired of the house being on the market. I am grateful that I can live in a big beautiful house, but its getting harder to clean and bend over! All in God's timing....

So unprepared for this...

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 00:12:23 GMT

So we had another ultrasound and the baby is for sure a girl! Hooray! Our number one name right now is Olivia June.

So there are moments when I feel ready for this baby and there are moments where I'm so in over my head. Like when we decided to register at Target (you can always check out our registry and buy something if you want...). And I was standing with the gun and the list of what I should buy and my husband by my side, I stared at the bottles and realized I know NOTHING about what to buy a child! I was staring at all of my options (drop-in, big, little, etc.) and as we stood there together for 20 minutes look blankly, we realized how unprepared we are. Interestingly, my husband worked at a daycare for 5 1/2 years, BUT did not really work with infants (he worked with two-year-olds and up), so although I thought he'd know what to buy, he was lost too!

So we got our registry started. I'm sure there is stuff missing, and really, is the bathtub we registered for THAT much better than the others? Who knows, but it humbles me to think that maybe I still have several months of learning to do...

Important life questions....

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:21:50 GMT

So I've been reading the articles that talk about Amy Winehouse has early-stage emphysema. My first thought was how sad. And then the important questions like "how much crack do you have to smoke to get emphysema in your 20s?" I didn't even realize until just now (thanks to google) that she's only 24! She's only two months older than ME! So my second question is "how long and how much crack do you have to smoke to reach that point?"

Ironically, one of the articles said she lit up on her way out of the hospital. I don't know whether to be disgusted or just feel bad for her. I was a smoker and quit several years ago after some health issues. Trust me, that was a big motivator to quit ASAP. So we'll see if Amy cares enough to quit soon. Hopefully this will show young people that cigarettes + crack = BAD!

As my husband put it last night, "maybe when they asked her to go to rehab, she should have said yes, yes, yes."

And the baby is a ...

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 01:13:43 GMT

A girl? Its not 100%. The ultrasound tech asked if I wanted to know the sex and I said..."no, I'll wait for my husband." But then I thought I saw *ahem* boy parts. So I asked her to write it down and put it in an envelope so me and my husband could find out together! Since she wasn't directly looking for anything, she said its not 100% and she'll check for sure at my next ultrasound on July 3 (two weeks away!). But she was pretty sure its a girl!

Its wonderful! I want a girl. My relationship with my own mom is one of the most important in my life, and I want to have a relationship like that with my daughter one day as well! So I'm pretty excited!

Ooh, I'm watching a preview for Wall-E. I'm SO going to see that!

Being a social worker...

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 19:29:18 GMT

One of the searches that brought up my page was the phrase "i hate being a social worker." Not exactly sure what the person was searching for, but I thought I'd briefly talk about it! The entry that it brought up was one I wrote right before starting graduate school (August 2006) where I questioned our decision to go into this field. So I'll pull it together since I'm done!

Two years later, I am happy that I picked social work. Its a beautiful profession that combines advocacy both politically and for the individual with counseling and compassion. At church, we were studying "40 days of purpose." I had such a difficult time with it because I already have a purpose! I am so blessed that I get to combine my career with my purpose in life (to serve others). That meaning is what gets you through horrific painful stories and bad days!

It is very stressful. Especially with adolescents...the stories I hear, the emotional meltdowns I see, and sometimes the parents I meet make this a tough job. There is a lot of evil in the world. Whether its a conscious thing or not on the part of parents, humans do terrible things to each other. However, the kids I work with give me such hope. They are so resilient, caring and compassionate towards each other. And getting the chance to listen to them and having them open up to you is an incredible feeling. A teacher told me that when working with drug addicts, never forget that we as social workers should be honored that the addict is including us in their journey to sobriety. People do not always have to open up to us, but they do, and we have to respect that and be humbled by that. On days when we have awesome group therapy or I get a brief chance to encourage a struggling teenager, I am honored that they allow me into their life, even if it is only briefly.

I may be focusing more on motherhood these days, but being a social worker is truly a part of who I am. It will influence not only my career, but my faith and how I raise my own children. I definitely love being a social worker, even on the bad days, meaning I'm extremely happy with my choice to go into this field.

Do you think I look puffy too?

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 03:15:25 GMT

Things are going well for me! I work one day a week meaning I'm amazingly bored, but I'm grateful to have a job. At this point, I would rather work a job sporadically where I'm respected. I don't remember if I told you all, but I had to quit my parks job due to some major drama, issues and unfair things. I was at fault for some things (nothing big) but they treated me so badly that I decided to leave. So I'm just doing one day a week and some fill-in shifts here and there at my social work job!

On the pregnancy front, I'm doing okay. Feeling pooped, my thyroid's all crazy, so that's probably contributing somewhat! My all day sickness is now just morning sickness. Interestingly, my neck's all puffy cause of my thyroid. I went to my mom's house, thinking I was looking pretty good. Later the doctor said my neck was puffy. I told my mom and she said "oh yeah, I noticed your puffy neck too, I just didn't want to hurt your feelings." ???!!?!? So its a bit of a conspiracy - what part of Hilary is puffy and why hasn't she noticed it yet?

I got to have an ultrasound last Friday and my mom came since my husband had to work. It was truly amazing. We were just watching the baby and suddenly, it reached its hand up and "waved" to us! Watching its tiny fingers move was truly life changing. My mom squealed and we got all teary and emotional! WOW!

I'm posting some ultrasound pics cause they are truly amazing! Every morning I wake up and just briefly think about that tiny waving hand! I'll be getting a series of sonograms to monitor my cervix (its "insufficient" apparently) so I'll keep posting as the baby grows.

Lastly, Sex and the City. was. amazing. Go see it if you haven't. It was incredible!

I knew that me and Ashlee Simpson were destined to be friends...

Fri, 30 May 2008 23:43:48 GMT

I found out that me and Ashlee Simpson will be due around the same time! Most of me doesn't care that much, but a little part of me thinks that's pretty exciting (I know, my celebrity obsession is lame!).

I passed the 170-question licensure exam. I passed it on 4 hours of sleep. I passed it in spite of having diarrhea and vomiting all morning. And I passed it with a higher score than my husband! I got 84% (you need a 70% and he got a 77%). My brain was awesome in spite of the waves of tiredness and stomach gurgling that I dealt with.

Within the next few weeks, I'll be getting my license and I'll be Hilary, LMSW! (Lots of fancy letters huh?).

For real?

Wed, 28 May 2008 17:04:48 GMT

Wow! My last posting was a MONTH AGO??? Time is flying by AMAZINGLY quickly! So here's the update/scoop/news/everything:

Yes I finished grad school. What a freaking ordeal that was! I graduated with a 3.979 (I got one stupid A- which brought it down). I am officially Hilary Cobb, MSW! Hooray! I have my licensure test this Friday which is frightening for several reasons. It is 150 questions. I've just started studying last night for it. If I fail it, I may lose my job (I'm not sure) because you have to wait 3 months to take it again. It is almost $200 which you lose if you fail! Luckily, I'm not doing much this week so I plan on studying a bunch!

My job: awesome. I love working with kids! My only gripe is I only officially have 1 day per week scheduled, but I fill in when needed. So in June I have 9 days scheduled. I'm not bringing in a whole lot of money, although I'm making good enough per hour to still clear some decent paychecks.

My husband got a job working as a social worker for the state with children with mental health issues. He's pretty excited! Its a great job, pays super well, we get state benefits in 30 days and I will finally have dental insurance again so I can get my teeth cleaned!!!!

The benefits is especially important because we're HAVING A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!! (that's the most exciting news by far!). The end of my first trimester is this Saturday. I'm due on December 13, and I've had an ultrasound that looked great and I heard the heartbeat last Monday! I already have a "bump", though its probably all bloating! I got my first pair of maternity pants last week, so there's no turning back!

By the way, maternity pants are INCREDIBLY comfortable. I don't know if I'll ever go back to "normal" pants again.... :) I'm home (and bored) a lot more now, so I'll be posting often!

New book

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 23:39:38 GMT

I'm back! Actually, I had not gone anywhere except buried in books and final projects! I'm ALMOST done (two weeks of school left), and my internship offered me a job starting at the end of May! I'm extremely sick with a cold/cough. I have some other things, but I had to post this. My sister-in-law sent this to me. It makes me a little ill.

How to Be the Perfect Grandma: Rules of the Game (Paperback)
Book Description
“You speak for all of us who are tearing our hair out about the generation that separates us from our beloved grandchildren.” —Grandma Sally, Moorestown, New Jersey Being a grandmother, writes Bryna Nelson Paston, is not one of life’s free choices. “You can pick your pet, your alma mater, and your spouse. You can decide when to have kids and how many, if you’re careful. You can be a doctor, lawyer, mountain climber, or plumber. But when and where you become a grandma is your kids’ decision.”

Becoming a grandma is like getting a subpoena. You don’t expect it. You don’t know how to respond. You know you must be mature and accept it. Being a grandma, though, is as close as many of us ever get to perfection. There is only one little problem—the generation in the middle. “Dealing with your child and his or her spouse while you become the most relevant person in your grandchild’s life is tricky at best and downright impossible at worst.”

From that unique point of view, Paston has written a delightful book that explains the rules for grandmothers to assure they will be an important part of their grandchildren’s lives. “We have a window of opportunity as grandparents,” she writes, “usually five years, or maybe more if you’re lucky. So you have to make your move fast and decisively. Your kids and their spouses will intrude, interrupt, and interfere. But persevere. Circumvent them, do exactly what you want, and lie—with dignity, I might add. Whatever it takes. Promise anything, but get the kid.” How to Be the Perfect Grandma is a humorous, anecdotal gift book for grandmothers, grandmothers-to-be, grandmother wannabes, anyone who has a grandmother—and, of course, grandfathers.

This had better be satire, because I think its disgraceful to lie to your children about how you are treating your grandchildren. How disgusting.

Movie Reviews!

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 04:13:56 GMT

I'm finally catching up on some movies (instead of homework) and I've seen like several great ones in a row! I thought I'd share my opinions since some of these movies did not get good reivews, and you might write them off. But they are worth checking out!

Here's the breakdown:
30 Days of Night - GREAT! The plot was sound, I didn't feel like it had major holes. They set up the characters well and there was great tension. Scary, but not too scary.
August Rush - WOW!!!!! This movie was incredible. Go rent it immediately if you haven't already it. It was incredible - well directed, good plot, good acting, and awesome music. WOW AGAIN!!!!
Definitely, Maybe - Again, GREAT! I just saw that tonight and it was awesome. Cute movie, good acting, good plot! I saw it at the dollar theater, which helped somewhat, if I had spent $8 on it, I don't think I'd be as thrilled. Price has a lot to do with my movie reviews.... :)

Any other good suggestions? Three great movies in a row makes me happy. :)

I'm back!

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 22:59:24 GMT

My Clearwire box went crazy and I had to get a new one...meaning I was without internet for FOUR DAYS! It was rough...really. I couldn't research (or check my MySpace). Ugh.

Other than that, nothing new! I'm still truckin through school, loving my internship and stressing constantly! I am just finishing my spring break, but I spent it working, doing my internship, cleaning my house (we put it on the market on May 1 and I have not been dutifully cleaning it over the last two years), and doing homework (supposedly). In fact, its Friday and I have YET to crack a book or start a paper...(shhh, don't tell my teachers!).

I've also started looking for jobs, though its still too early to apply (I still have 7 weeks). Probably mid-April, I'll start applying for different places. Scary stuff!

Trazodone blues...

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 02:34:07 GMT

So I'm having some major issues lately including poor sleep and high levels of anxiety. I cannot afford Lunesta or Ambien, so I tried Trazodone. Holy cow...it has been TERRIBLE. I'm sleeping better, but I'm shaky, agitated, twitchy and fearful bordering on paranoid. So I'm dropping it after a few days. But I checked a lot of sites to see what the side effects are and this one scared me:

"Trazodone HAS BEEN ASSOCIATED WITH THE OCCURRENCE OF PRIAPISM. IN MANY OF THE CASES REPORTED, SURGICAL INTERVENTION WAS REQUIRED AND, IN SOME OF THESE CASES, PERMANENT IMPAIRMENT OF ERECTILE FUNCTION OR IMPOTENCE RESULTED. MALE PATIENTS WITH PROLONGED OR INAPPROPRIATE ERECTIONS SHOULD IMMEDIATELY DISCONTINUE THE DRUG AND CONSULT THEIR PHYSICIAN." (http://www.drugs.com/pro/trazodone.html)

Priapsim is an erection that is 4 hours or longer. I'm mostly disturbed that surgical intervention is necessary. Thank God I don't have to worry about that side effect....(just the rest of them).

Pharmaceutical companies...

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:48:51 GMT

Okay all, its been a while but here is my rant for the month...

I have terrible health insurance through Boise State, and they have a $400 YEARLY maximum for prescriptions. To deal with this, they have an assistance program for prescriptions to cover that gap. However, I did not have time to meet with the person, and they never called me back about setting up an appointment to qualify for the program (which you have to do each year).

So I went to the pharmacy to fill my prescription. My Lamictal was $217.69 for ONE MONTH. That's straight bullshit. The drug has been around for a while, this is not a brand-new drug that needs research and development in a major way. I DESPISE pharmaceutical companies in America. I'm paying a horrendous amount so they can use my money to distribute clipboards, pens and coffee mugs to hospitals and doctors across America. I realize that's an oversimplification, but it still infuriates me. If I didn't have the money, I would have had to not take medication and would end up in a psych hospital eventually.

My dad and I debate the housing of dangerous mentally ill, but we could help people now simply by reducing medication costs. The pharmacist at Albertson's got me a voucher that dropped the cost to $150, but it was totally shitty to pay that much for ONE MONTH's medication. Especially, when I need it the most right now.

Sorry for the language, but pharmaceutical companies represent the negative side of America's capitalism. Multi-millionaire CEOs screwing people like me who NEED these drugs. This is not an optional drug for me. I was furious last night, and still stewing. Screw you Pfizer, don't air bullshit commercials that make you sound more alturistic than you are. You may have wonderful people working for you, but you are a deceptive company (just like your other pharmaceutical buddies...).

Thank you for listening. :)

Updates..

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 21:57:37 GMT

Its been like two weeks since my last post, so I thought I'd say hi and tell you I have not disappeared off of the face of the Earth! School has been okay. It was crunch time for a few weeks, but its slowed down finally, so I was able to go out a few times this week. Its been nice to go out with friends and see movies, or go to a hockey game, or "bar-hop" (does two bars, one of which is actually a restaurant count as bar-hopping?).

My internship has been incredible. I am so blessed, I love the kids, I love my co-workers, my agency, my supervisor. I am now leading group therapy one to two times a day (always interesting/nerve-racking). I only have 2 months left and I am crushed, I am going to cry my last day there. I look forward to going each day, and would love to just do my internship 40 hours a week (even if it was still no-pay!). I am going to compose a letter in the next few weeks to my director telling her how much I want to work there and what my qualifications are.

Any suggestions for this letter of interest????

Also, my mom's family is having a family reunion, the first one since 1979!!! So when my mom said this is a once in a lifetime event, she was not kidding! Its in Los Angeles which is awesome. My husband has only been there once when he was 5. So we're stoked. I get to see the beach, and I'm kind of hoping that we can do one of those star homes tours! Is that lame???

So I have graduation (May 16), putting our house on the market (May 1), buying a house (as soon as the house sells), Los Angeles in June and the stress of finding jobs! Wow! What a crazy summer!!!

We're still back and forth on the baby thing. Apparently, this is not one of those times God is going to give me a clear sense of what I should do. :)

Umm..the Oscars were WHEN?

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 06:11:45 GMT

This morning, someone asked if I watched the Oscars last night. Huh? What?? I totally spaced them being on. Admittingly, I was at work and would not have been able to watch them. But still! I don't know how I missed that...though apparently, millions of other people did as well, it had the lowest ratings EVER this year. Meh.

Canceled???

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 02:36:28 GMT

According to MSN's TV Filter blog (which I LOVE!), the "season finale" of Las Vegas was the last show. NBC canceled it and won't bring it back. I'm crushed because:
I love Josh Duhamel...
When you don't have cable, there is nothing on Friday nights...
And they ended it with a pregnant Molly Sims bleeding! Oh no, the suspense will never be resolved!

Have you ever had a show that was canceled abruptly? I lost Girlfriends and Related this way as well.

I do surveys on myspace...why not here?

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 01:59:13 GMT

No, I was not tagged, I just thought I'd do a survey (since I can't write about much else!)

Two Names You Go By: Hils and Bug

Things You Are Wearing Right Now: Comfy gray Old Navy pants and a pink Old Navy fleece (no the coordination of brands was not on purpose and it sounds much more stylish than it really is!)

Two things you want (or have) in a relationship: Respect and Affection

Two of Your Favorite Things to do: Applebee's appetizers with friends and cuddling with my husband.

Two things you did last night: Went out to Thai food with parents and walked my dogs.

Two people you Last Talked To: Mom and husband!

Two Things You're doing tomorrow: Homework and homework...

Two Longest Car Rides: 2300-mile road trip to Grand Canyon and back (there were lots of stops!) as an adult, 2700-mile road trip 'round the West with family

Two Favorite Drinks: Non-Alcoholic: Dr. Pepper, milk with ice in it Alcoholic: Whisky sour, caramel appletini

Two Things About Me you may not have known: I have very low self-esteem and I talk to myself CONSTANTLY.

Two jobs I have had in my life: McDonalds (yum!) and administering satisfaction surveys to Hispanic people on the city bus (and no, I don't speak a word of Spanish beyond Hola!)

Two Movies I would watch over and over: Notting Hill and Center Stage

Two of my favorite foods: Sushi and buffalo wings!

Two places I'd rather be right now: Tropics in an all-inclusive resort with unlimited drinks or the beach in Northern Cal.

Terrible formula...

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 01:48:29 GMT

Sinus infection + new glasses that are a MUCH stronger prescription + Amoxicillin + coffee + not enough food = really nauseous and vomity today.

I left my internship early which I HATE to do since I love it so much! Ugh, I just need to be well!

Perfect formula...

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:33:31 GMT

New glasses + medicine for my sinus infection + a free afternoon to sleep off the sinus infection = One happy girl

Umm...am I ahead of the class?

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 20:41:58 GMT

This morning, one of our teachers told us that after Spring Break, many of us would come back to school with basically a "screw this" attitude (he illustrated this by flipping "school" off).

Huh, after Spring Break?

I've been at that point since the first day of school. Maybe I'm still an overachiever.

Still sick...and watching LOST

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 03:31:24 GMT

Still yucky...I can't seem to kick this cold/cough/general yuckiness (that's my official medical term). Its so frustrating to be this sick! And I'm watching Lost right now, and I realized that a) wow, I have not watched in a while, I'm pretty lost (ahha, get it?!?!!) and b) I'm not a fan of this show anymore. So what will I watch on Thursdays this semester?

Shows I'm excited about:
One Tree Hill
America's Next Top Model
America Idol (maybe)

Not much, I'm pretty unthrilled about TV this semester. But in a few weeks, I won't have any time to watch anyways. I have a bunch of projects due soon - one I'm pretty interested in is therapy for blended families. It should be interesting... :)

Oh, and I'm craving funfetti cake in a MAJOR way!

Bringing up memories...

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 04:08:10 GMT

I'll just preface this posting and tell you I'm EXTREMELY sick, so I'm not on my A-game writing-wise. I keep switching words and doing stupid things because my brain is full of snot and mush. It started as an innocent cold and now its snowballed into a wicked cough. But I am perservering and still doing my internship and such...

Graduation is May 16, I'm all over it.

I worked today at my internship and let me tell you, I have to be emotionally strong. Not so much because the kids depress me (which they do), but because it brings back so much of my stuff. The girls talk about their experiences and I can honestly say I've dealt with almost every issue they do - dating violence, drugs, promiscuity, self-harm, mental health, fights with parents. As I listen, if I am tired (or sick), I go right back. I feel the depression or loneliness or insecurities that I did at 16. And I am trying to decide - is it that I haven't grown up since then? Just because I'm successful and in grad school does not mean I've moved beyond those issues. Or is it just hearing about these things takes me back briefly and then I'm grown up and "mature" after I get home?

Social work involves so many emotional boundaries and learning to leave it at work. But how do you do that when there is still personal pain involved with the things you hear at work?

Partially I'm feeling this way because I'm sick and stressed. But it brings up some major issues - am I happy with my life? Who am I? I have to stop myself and realize I'm only 24. I don't have to know who I am yet! I haven't decided how I am going to deal with these issues quite yet. Blogging helps, I need to start journaling, and I've thought about attending some sort of support group. But we'll see...I have to get some time first!

And get rid of this cough...

Boohoo

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:15:58 GMT

No wings, no Pats win. Ouch, it was a long day...

Update on practicum...

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 00:40:12 GMT

I thought I'd give you all an update on my practicum. I am finally catching up on my hours and as of today, I've done 624 unpaid internship hours in the last two years. 624 hours x an average of $7 = $4,368. Hmmm... :) I try not think of that...

Its okay though, I love my internship! I've worked with quite a few kids now, and I'm feeling more confident. Its so hard to deal with the pain and suffering of these kids, but I'm learning to leave it at work and focus on the success stories of which I've seen a few. I hope hope hope I get a job there, but I am also preparing myself for the possibility that I may have to work somewhere else...

So I'm off to the weekend, and I realized yesterday that I have to WORK DURING THE SUPERBOWL. OH NO! I'm cheering for the Pats so hopefully my boys win, and maybe I'll grab some wings on the way home from work! :)

Final decision...maybe???!?!?

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 05:46:28 GMT

So I've put tons of thought into this (obviously) and here's what I decided.

I want to put in AT LEAST a solid 8 months of work after grad school. I want to get my LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) certification. Well that involves 2000 hours in two years before I can take the test and get the certification. This LCSW makes me a HOT commodity in the workforce. So I want to work full-time for 8 months (or longer), get my LCSW, then if I take time off for a year (or three), I have a highly desired degree.

So after my fake pregnancy in November (I just got the bill for it, ugh), I have decided that I'm going to finish the semester for sure before we even start trying again. I feel okay about this, I've put so much work into my degree, I want to make it meaningful. Besides, I am still young... :) I have time...

To soothe myself, here's a list of things I want to buy before we have kids:
A nice couch
Game system (Guitar Hero anyone?)
A big TV
Pay off all credit card debt

We've never had those things as a couple because we've always been poor college students. So we'll be saving when we're workin' full-time, but I want a few goodies...

What about you all? What would you buy if you had some extra cash lying around??

Grad school's back....

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 04:12:44 GMT

Ugh, just finished my second week of grad school. Not much to say, it sucks, lots of work, I am stressed already, blah blah, same things I've been saying for the last year and a half!

My internship is wonderful and I hope I can work there when I'm done, which leads me to...
I'm still SOO conflicted about having children. We tried for two months and nothing happened, so I don't want to assume that we will or won't anytime soon. Ugh. I want to work, and the place I want a job does not do part-time. So do I work? Do I hope I get a job? Do I try for a baby?

AHHHH! I'm flipping between YES I WANT KIDS! and NO I DON'T! daily.

Things I'm looking forward to (to counterbalance the negativity):
The Other Boelyn Girl is coming in February
Spring/sun/NOT SNOW
Sleeping tonight
Sex and the City movie
Graduation
Etc.

Seeking education

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 04:25:21 GMT

As you all know, I've been blogging lately quite a bit about being bipolar. Its a term thrown around, but one that people do not fully understand or they understand at a logical level - but do not understand what it is like to be tormented by "extreme mood swings."

So I am going to write a book. While I was bipolar I journaled A LOT, I wrote poetry, songs, and letters to others that I never sent. I have these throughout my house, and I would like to combine those things (written in the deep moment of my mania or depression) and fill in the blanks with writing about my experiences in a psych hospital, high school, and a residential treatment center. Also, write about how my behaviors (cutting, burning, promiscuity, drugs) changed during jr. high, high school and college, and what I experience today as an adult.

My intent would be for parents who are curious about what their kids are really going through and for kids who are going through it to see hope.

Think anyone would read it?

New things...

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 02:09:12 GMT

I started my new practicum today with teens and it was definitely emotionally exhausting. Kids are ALWAYS hard to work with (in my opinion) compared to adults. They have some advantages: they often lack a long laundry list of financial and legal troubles, and there is hope that you can direct them to be healthy adults. But it is still hard seeing kids so young in so much pain. 14-year-olds should not be meth addicts. 15-year-olds should not be prostituted out to support parents' drug habits. 13-year-olds should not be pregnant. Kids are not KIDS anymore and seeing your ideal of what teenagers SHOULD be like shattered is depressing.

It also brings up all of my feelings of guilt over being a messed-up teenager and the terrible way I treated my parents. At the time, I felt that they were after me and hated me. Now I realize they did sincerely want the best for me, and I am ashamed that I could not see that.

I'll get through this because I LOVE working with teens - its just emotionally exhausting.

Flying freely...

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 21:42:10 GMT

A few nights ago, I had a dream that I had a baby and she was beautiful, except she had cleft lip.

One of the side effects of the drug I take for my bipolar (Lamictal) is an increased risk of cleft lip in babies if taken while pregnant. After looking online, Lamictal is considered a class "C" drug - meaning the benefits often outweigh the risks, so doctors don't recommend going off of it if pregnant. And the rate of cleft lip, while increased, is still a minimal risk (it increases from part of a percent to over a percent).

But this doesn't change the fact that one wants to create a baby that is perfect and I feel like I am putting a child at risk by taking this drug.

So I dropped my medication again, so now I am at 100 mg (down from 200 mg in November) and I feel apprehensive. Not because I am doing badly, but because I COULD do badly. And I don't know if I would catch the down spiral in time. I know that I will never be able to be without medication - even with exercise and minimal stress, I still suffer from symptoms (I went off of meds in 2003 for four months before I fell apart). But this reduced dose makes me worry. Partially because of my mental health...but partially because what if I don't need my meds? What if I am not bipolar? I know these are stupid thoughts, wouldn't it be great if I wasn't bipolar? And I know I have the symptoms, so I have no doubt that I am. But there's this little part of me that fears being without meds.

I feel like I don't know who I am without them.

I am not expressing my feelings well, but I feel so conflicted about my medication. I resent it but feel unsure with such a small amount of it. I have a wonderful support system which well help me and catch it if I am spiraling. And I often can tell, a few weeks ago I told my husband I was feeling prickly before he had to tell me. Still...

Am I that old????

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 20:43:56 GMT

An article said that Survivor will be celebrating its "sweet 16" season. REALLY??? I remember when there was a new show that came out called something weird, oh yeah, "Survivor" and EVERYONE talked about it. Constantly. And it was really (in my mind) the beginning of true reality TV.

Crazy...

Bipolar exposed

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 04:36:48 GMT

Yesterday the DJs on the radio station I LOVE were discussing Britney Spears and bipolar. They asked for someone in the psychiatric field to call in and explain bipolar. I called in (though I'm only half in the field until I graduate) and spoke for several minutes. Later, I was watching Access Hollywood (I was too lazy to get up and change the channel) and they were discussing mental illness. I HATE that people are exploiting Britney, who I believe is probably fighting something larger than simple drug use, but I am happy that people are interested in learning more about bipolar disorder. This is a serious disorder, it is not simply acting overly happy and being sad. "Extreme mood swings" cannot even begin to describe the out-of-control feeling you have. I believe it is similar to drug addiction - your behaviors control you and in those most extreme moments, you jump out of your body and all you can think is "why am I doing this?" It is hard to describe it.

I am amazingly lucky, a beautiful bipolar medication called Lamictal has allowed me to deal with my life and even succeed...People always seem surprised to find out I am bipolar (which I never hide) because I seem normal! And yet I worry that my life may minimize the seriousness of bipolar. I may seem okay during the day, but there are nights when I lay awake for hours, song lyrics repeating over and over and thoughts spinning for hours and yet I cannot calm down. My skin crawls and my head feels like it is pounding. When I am highly manic, I talk quickly, leave words out and cannot even understand what I am saying. When very depressed or manic, a tiny impulsive voice dares me to crash my car, just to see what it is like, if I will survive it. As if mania is not enough, I also fight severe moments of depression. I consider myself lucky - I have medication, a strong support system, and a rational mind that reminds me that my life is worth living. But bipolar is hard to live with, and people have to be aware of that.

After I told the guys on the radio a little bit about bipolar, I told them that being taken to a hospital in the middle of the night is scary and that I felt bad for Britney. They stopped making fun of her, which pleased me. Bipolar is scary, and hopefully the more people learn (and watch Britney's public deterioration), they will understand the seriousness of this disorder.

(Ok, I am off my soapbox now)

On a cheerier note...

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 05:28:54 GMT

I have been to the gym TWICE (!!) since I joined a few days ago, and I ran 5 1/2 miles tonight in a little over an hour. No, its not super fast and I will be lucky if I can get out of bed tomorrow morning, but I am STOKED! I WILL get into shape this year...yeah!

And we decided not to have kids because we can't afford them, but I'm feeling on the fence. The general Cobb consensus is we are not NOT trying for kids. Capiche? :)

Lastly, I start training in two days and I am freaked. I feel so amazingly out of control of EVERYTHING in my life (my internship, job, school, my weight) and I'm feeling pretty stressed, as manifested by an inability to sleep and when I do, horrific nightmares...ugh...Being stressed sucks. Being bipolar sucks. Being stressed and bipolar is TERRIBLE. Ugh again.

Ok, I'll stop whining and focus on 5 1/2 miles. Hooray!

The Spears...

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 18:06:37 GMT

I read the article this morning that Britney Spears was hospitalized last night after a several hour custody standoff with K. Fed (her ex for those living in a cave!). My heart absolutely breaks in two for this girl. I have heard the words bipolar thrown around, and while I tend to be skeptical of the bipolar diagnosis (I believe it to be used as a label for teen impulsivity), her extreme impulsivity, drug use, and need to be accepted by ANYONE (a backup dancer, paparazzi, etc) leads me to think that may be an actual diagnosis. How scary....I had an emotional meltdown and was led away in an ambulance in high school, and I remember being frightened beyond belief. I would imagine she is feeling the same way.

On the other front, I read an article about Jamie Lynn and this quote pissed me off: "Lynne never pushed Jamie Lynn into growing up too fast," insists the source, "and never pushed her into working." Parenting is not just about not pushing your children, it is about protecting your children. If your 12-year-old says, "mom, I want to whore myself out to the movie or TV industry." In my opinion, an appropriate response is NOT "well, if that's what you want honey." For a 12-year-old (its different with older teens), you say, "well, let's finish jr. high, and maybe get into drama club in high school and if you are still interested we can talk." I'm betting Lynn Spears did not choose that answer.

As a friend said when we were discussing the pregnancy - "Jamie Lynn is not a child or teenager anymore, she has been an adult since she was 12." Its true, you cannot give a child unlimited freedom, a ton of money and endless praise and not expect them to do "adult things" like party (Lindsay Lohan) or pick bad men (Britney Spears) or embark on parenthood (Jamie Lynn).

Please do not think in any way that I am critcizing Jamie Lynn for teen pregnancy, I am not blaming fame for that. I just believe that Lynn Spears should have protected BOTH of her daughters instead of pimping them out to the industry which forces even little children to grow up fast and lets the children believe they are adults.

New Year's Resolution

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 05:06:05 GMT

Ugh, I had a huge thing that spaces wouldn't let me publish. It seems to update itself a lot...

Anyways, the short and sweet version is that like millions of Americans, my (very uncreative) New Year's resolution is to lose weight. I joined a gym that is a 1 1/2 miles away (so no excuses about it being too far away), and me and my husband are in a race to see who reaches their goal weight first (we are both shooting for losing 5% of our weight). I hope to win, and I went to the gym for the first time today to reach that goal.

I am hoping that my competitive nature outweighs my love of fast food....but we'll see, I'm already craving a Jack in the Box taco (thus also defeating my resolution to budget and not eat out)....

Hello all!

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 04:04:03 GMT

I'm back! As you can see, I posted the pictures from our rockin' Christmas party! We went to Spokane, WA for several days and did the Christmas thing with my husband's family. I was wary at first, but I did have a great time. Its so hard to spend time with my sisters-in-law and be happy, and then come back home without them. My brother-in-law will be looking for a job in a few months, and I hope he'll come to Boise. But its weird because you don't want to tell someone "hey, uproot your entire life to come live by us." Hmm....

The ride home from Spokane was potentially the worst flight ever. I didn't go to bed until 1 that morning, and we had to get up at 4:30 to get ready for our 6:45 flight. I felt super sick (and thought I was maybe hungover), and had to stop at a gas station on the way to the airport (to use the bathroom). I was super nauseous through security and as soon as I got through, I threw up in the airport. Then on the airplane. Then the car on the way home from the airport. And diarrhea. Yuck. I think it was food poisoning, and it was terrible.

On a humorous side, I may be one of the only people to ever use an airplane throw up bag to vomit in! :)

Finishing a chapter...

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 03:16:28 GMT

Today was my last day of my internship at the school for pregnant teens. Next semester I will be moving to the psych hospital (whee!!) for the second half of the year-long internship. My co-intern asked me today if I was excited that I was at the end! But I'm not, I feel bad for leaving the girls that I have built relationships with. I am worried about getting this internship off the ground next semester. Its like when you quit a job to move to a new one, and after you quit your current job, you have the fear of "what if the other job falls through?" So I will be a little stressed over the next few weeks, but enough reading, drinking and exercising should alleviate some of that.

I read "A Thousand Splended Suns" by Hosseini, the guy who wrote "The Kite Runner." It was incredible and moving and depressing. After a whole semester of feeling people's pain, I need some light. I will be reading the Kite Runner over the break, but I have to read some fun, chick-lit books before that. Does anyone have suggestions of fun, frou-frouey books???

Flying with (less) drugs...

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 06:24:10 GMT

I decided to drop my dosage level of Lamictal (for the newcomers, I'm bipolar and have been on Lamictal for about 3 years). When I thought I was pregnant, I didn't want to be on a lot of Lamictal since it can create birth defects. So I dropped it 50 mg. And I've been doing really well, I actually feel "clearer" (I think only people who have been on antidepressants or medication understand what I mean by that). But I'm PMSing, and I get REALLY depressed typically around that time. Well this month, I am even more depressed (I didn't think it was possible), and I realize its my first PMS with a lower dose.

The nice thing about this type of depression is I know it will only last about a week. But I feel pretty debilitated this week, and its only day 2. I know I'll get through it, but its still pretty rough, especially when I'm so behind on Christmas shopping.